At 11:28 (estimate) ADST Jessica Lay has been cofirmed as the first victim of to what only can be called one of this springs most heinous of all Bunneh attack. At best Ms. Lay has just been drug off to their hole to undergo what is rumored to be a form of brainwashing involving bacon deprivation for approximately two weeks. If they follow their usual pattern we will find her tied to the U.S. Border Wall in TX in effigy to gluttons everywhere.
Ms. Lay was last seeing leaving her local Ben & Jerry’s with her seventh order that day of Creamy Schweddy Ball Ice Cream, in a cup.
As reported this earlier this week Bunneh’s are a unique and aggressive breed of Oryctolagus cuniculus with tendencies to get aggitated, turning on their intended target as what can only be explained as an enhanced sense of apparent gluttonous behavior. What makes this is quite serious is Bunneh’s do not attack without provocation. Eating as much Ben & Jerry Creamy Schweddy Ball Ice Cream would definitely qualify as such.
The oppenents in this will venehmently argue there is in no way any Oryctolagus cuniculus (regular old bunnies) could harm you. Regular old bunnies are an animal that takes time, care and maintenance and make great house pets for those with the time. However, this reporter has learned the breed of Oryctolagus cuniculus in question is not an ordinary breed but a genetically enhanced failed government experiment. An inside source at the DOD claims they are reminents left over from a secret project to develop innocent looking support staff for Texas Border Patrol agents. Though enhanced they are bunnies after all and tend to reproduce at a rapid rate.